


Turnabout 8R8K SPIDER!!!!!!!!

by adiosIncineroar



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, i forgot what timeline this is, sort of ace attorney au but not really, the timeline where vriska is on the meteor and everyone is happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:49:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24832636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adiosIncineroar/pseuds/adiosIncineroar
Summary: On the meteor, a dreadful murder has occurred... the murder of Vriska Serket.Now it's up to ace attorney Maryam to defend her defendant and solve this case.
Relationships: Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	Turnabout 8R8K SPIDER!!!!!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Also wrote this during my peak Homestuck last year. It is bad :)

TEREZI: TOD4Y W3 W1TN3SS TH3 MURD3R TR14L OF VR1SK4 S3RK3T  
VRISKA: Hehe, I’m dead.  
TEREZI: D34D P3OPL3 DONT T4LK VR1SK4  
VRISKA: >::::(  
TEREZI: TH3 SUSP3CT 1S K4RK4T V4NT4S  
TEREZI: TH3 SUSP3CT D1SCOV3R3D TH3 BODY F1RST AND 1S OBV1OUSLY TH3 CULPR1T  
KARKAT: THATS FUCKING STUPID, DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MURDER INVESTIGATIONS WORK?  
TEREZI: TH3 SUSP3CT W1LL R3FR41N FROM SP34K1NG TO M3 FOR TH3 R3ST OF TH3 TR14L OR W1LL B3 3X3CUT3D ON TH3 SPOT  
KANAYA: Karkat Please Calm Down  
KANAYA: I Dont Need To Lose My First Case Due To Your Short Temper  
KARKAT: THIS ISNT EVEN A REAL TRIAL, KANAYA.  
KANAYA: It Doesnt Matter  
KANAYA: I Am Going To Win  
TEREZI: 1S TH3 D3F3NS3 R34DY?  
KANAYA: Of Course  
KANAYA: Um  
KANAYA: Your Honor  
TEREZI: 1S TH3 PROS3CUT1ON R34DY?

Rose Lalonde, dressed in a vibrant pink suit, stands at the prosecutor's side.

ROSE: The prosecution is ready, Your Honor.

She glances at the defense. 

KANAYA: Hello Rose Lalonde  
ROSE: Hello, Kanaya Maryam.  
ROSE: Sorry that we have to convict Karkat of murder today.  
KANAYA: And Im Sorry Ill Have To Be Proving His Innocence Today  
ROSE: Such confidence for a greenhorn.  
ROSE: I’ll try not to destroy your first case too harshly.  
TEREZI: B3FOR3 W3 ST4RT TH1S TR14L DO3S 31TH3R S1D3 H4V3 4NY QU3ST1ONS?  
ROSE: Out of character, but who is the jury in this courtroom?  
TEREZI: M3  
ROSE: You’re the judge and the jury?  
TEREZI: Y3S  
TEREZI: DONT FORG3T 3X3CUT1ON3R >:]  
ROSE: …  
ROSE: Why?  
TEREZI: W3LL WHO DO YOU W4NT B3 TH3 JURY?  
TEREZI: FUCK1NG G4MZ33??  
ROSE: I suppose not.  
ROSE: Continue.  
KARKAT: IM SORRY, ISNT THIS A LITTLE UNFAIR?  
TEREZI: NO  
TEREZI: 1F 31TH3R S1D3 DO3SNT H4V3 4NY FURTH3R QU3ST1ONS TH3N L3T TH1S TR14L COMM3NC3!!!  
TEREZI: OUR F1RST W1TN3SS 1S TH3 D3T3CT1V3 OF TH1S C4S3

The detective takes the witness stand, wearing very cool shades despite being indoors.

TEREZI: D3T3CT1V3 D4V3 STR1D3R  
DAVE: yo im a hella cool professional detective  
ROSE: Ugh.  
KARKAT: UGH.  
DAVE: i heard that lalonde  
DAVE: vantas  
DAVE: i dont wanna hear your fucking sass today  
TEREZI: D3T3CT1V3 WOULD YOU PL34S3 G1V3 US YOUR R3PORT ON TH1S C4S3  
DAVE: can i give my testimony in the form of a sick rap  
TEREZI: NO  
KARKAT: NO.  
ROSE: No.  
KANAYA: No  
VRISKA: No.  
DAVE: fine  
DAVE: the victim was found dead at 9pm last night by the suspect  
DAVE: she died from blood loss from being impaled through the back  
DAVE: other items found at the crime scene were red broken glass  
DAVE: most likely from the victims glasses and also stained with the suspects blood  
DAVE: and to top it all off she wrote the suspects name in her own blood before dying  
ROSE: Well, if that’s our evidence then I don’t see why we should proceed with this trial any longer.  
KANAYA: Hold On Just A Moment  
KANAYA: Where Theres A Murder Should There Not Be A Murder Weapon  
DAVE: i couldnt find one in my super thorough investigation  
DAVE: its probably a sword or something  
ROSE: Detective Strider, couldn't you be more professional in your investigation?  
DAVE: maybe  
DAVE: my super real autopsy report says the wound looks like it couldve been from a sword-like weapon  
DAVE: so its gonna be from a fucking sword probably  
KANAYA: Say The Victim Was Killed By A Sword  
KANAYA: Many Of Us Wield Weapons Similar To A Sword  
KANAYA: Such As Terezi And Dave  
TEREZI: 3H?  
DAVE: whoa whoa WHOA  
DAVE: are you already suspecting me of murder?  
DAVE: your loving local detective  
KANAYA: Perhaps  
KANAYA: There Are Not Many People On This Meteor  
KANAYA: Mr Vantas Has Used A Sickle His Entire Life  
KANAYA: So Why Would He Not Use His Weapon Of Choice To Kill The Victim  
ROSE: Such a half-baked explanation, even from you.  
ROSE: Though I wield needles, I could still kill someone with a sword.  
ROSE: Hypothetically.  
ROSE: Even you could, Ms. Maryam.  
ROSE: Maybe think things through before making accusations.  
KANAYA: …

KARKAT: (kanaya why arent you making some sort of witty comeback)  
KARKAT: (your face looks green, are you okay?)  
KARKAT: (wait a second are you fucking blushing??)  
KANAYA: No  
ROSE: What was that?  
KANAYA: Nothing  
ROSE: Setting this accusation but aside…  
ROSE: You still have yet to explain why the victim wrote the suspect’s name in her blood.  
KANAYA: I Was  
KANAYA: Just About To Do That  
KANAYA: Your Honor May We Have A Brief Recess So I Can Recollect My Thoughts  
TEREZI: SUR3 1 DONT S33 WHY NOT  
TEREZI: W3 SH4LL BR34K FOR 4 BR31F R3CESS TH3N  
TEREZI: W3 W1LL R3CONV3N3 H3R3 1N T3N M1NUT3S  
TEREZI: NOW G3T TH3 FUCK OUT OF TH1S ROOM!!!!

Terezi slams her gavel down.  
Their surroundings change from that of a modern courtroom, to the dank makeshift living room they made on the meteor. Cardboard boxes make up their desks, and shitty theater props made up their clothes.

DAVE: ok terezi you can stop banging your dumb gavel now  
TEREZI: NO 1M TH3 JUDG3 SO 1 DO WH4T 1 W4NT  
KARKAT: THIS IS EXHAUSTING.  
KARKAT: WHY IS PRETENDING TO PROVE MY INNOCENCE IN COURT SO EXHAUSTING.  
VRISKA: May8e it’s 8ecause Kanaya’s soooo 8ad at trying to prove your innocence.  
ROSE: I think she’s doing fine.  
VRISKA: Well, of course *you* would think so!  
KANAYA: …  
VRISKA: Terezi, can you just tell us who killed me already?  
TEREZI: NO DO YOU 3V3N KNOW TH3 PO1NT OF 4 TR41L  
TEREZI: YOUR3 SUPPOS3D TO F1GUR3 1T OUT YOURS3LV3S STUP1D  
VRISKA: With the way you run trials you’ll pro8a8ly execute everyone whether we find the killer or not.  
TEREZI: H3H3 Y34H >:]  
TEREZI: BUT 1M NOT PL4Y1NG W1TH STUFF3D DR4GONS TH1S T1M3 SO 1TLL B3 D1FF3R3NT!!!  
VRISKA: Sure…  
VRISKA: Shouldn’t you guys actually be discussing the case so you can… “win”?

The defense glares at their opponents and forms a huddle at one side of the room. Dave and Rose do the same.

KARKAT: (ok whats the plan)  
KANAYA: Why Are You Whispering  
KARKAT: OH I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT.  
DAVE: karkat can you stop yelling were trying to discuss something over here  
KARKAT: THIS IS MY NORMAL TALKING VOICE, DAVE.  
KARKAT: ANYWAY  
KARKAT: HOW ARE WE GOING TO CHEAT OUR WAY THROUGH THIS TRIAL?  
KANAYA: Actually Maybe You Should Whisper After All  
KARKAT: (fine)  
KANAYA: I May Or May Not Intend To Cheat  
KANAYA: But I Must Win This Trial No Matter The Cost  
KARKAT: (kanaya this trial doesnt even really matter)  
KANAYA: False  
KARKAT: (what?)  
KANAYA: This Trial Is In Fact Very Important  
KANAYA: It Is Very Important That I Defeat Rose In This Fake Courtroom Scenario  
KARKAT: (you cant be serious)  
KANAYA: I Am Very Serious  
KANAYA: When Havent I Been Serious  
KARKAT: (well i didnt think youd take something like this so seriously!)  
KARKAT: (i cannot BELIEVE youre involving your flushed feelings for rose into this)  
KANAYA: Sh  
KANAYA: Youre Still Too Loud Even When You Whisper

DAVE: man karkat is really bad at whispering  
DAVE: i can practically hear everything hes saying  
DAVE: all this spicy gossip  
ROSE: It is quite… spicy.  
ROSE: But it is not pertinent to this case.  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: you find out your feelings for kanaya are requited and you have no reaction whatsoever  
ROSE: Yes. We must focus on the case at hand, Detective.  
DAVE: ugh  
DAVE: fine

Court reconvenes with the slam of Terezi's gavel.

TEREZI: COURT 1S B4CK 1N S3SS1ON!!!  
TEREZI: 1 HOP3 YOU 4LL H4V3 NO MOR3 R34SONS FOR 4NOTH3R R3C3SS B3C4US3 YOUR3 NOT G3TT1NG ON3  
TEREZI: WH4T H4S TH3 D3F3NC3 4CQU1R3D FROM OUR BR13F BR34K?  
KANAYA: I Believe I Have Acquired Enough Evidence To Clear Mr Vantas Name  
TEREZI: OH? TH3N S4Y 1T  
KANAYA: Upon Further Inspection Of The Suspect I Have Discovered She Had Psychic Abilities  
KANAYA: Ones That Would Allow Her To Control Anyone She Wanted  
TEREZI: G4SP!!!!!!!!  
TEREZI: TH4TS M3 4CT1NG 4S TH3 JURY  
KANAYA: I Think I Got That Much  
ROSE: What are trying to imply, Maryam?  
KANAYA: I Am Implying That With These Powers  
KANAYA: The Victim Could Have Staged Her Death  
KANAYA: And Ultimately Forced Someone Else To Do The Deed  
ROSE: That is a possibility…  
ROSE: We have a motive from neither the suspect or the victim to prove your claim.  
ROSE: Mostly because the victim is dead.  
ROSE: Mr. Vantas, would you like to explain your relationship with the victim?  
KARKAT: OH, SURE.  
KARKAT: ILL BE COMPLETELY HONEST, I HATED THAT BITCH.  
KARKAT: BUT I HATE A LOT OF PEOPLE.  
KARKAT: AND I DEFINITELY DIDNT HATE HER SO MUCH THAT I WOULD MURDER HER IN COLD BLOOD OR ANYTHING.  
ROSE: Wow. Um.  
DAVE: real smooth  
TEREZI: WH4T DO3S TH3 JURY H4V3 TO S4Y 4BOUT TH1S T3ST1MONY?  
TEREZI: TH3 JURY TH1NKS 1T W4S SUSP1COUS 4S SH1T!!!  
TEREZI: 4S TH3 JUDG3 1 4LSO TH1NK 1T W4S SUSP1COUS 4S SH1T!!!!  
DAVE: is she just talking to herself  
ROSE: Yes, it appears she is talking to herself.  
TEREZI: M4YB3 STOP T4LK1NG 4BOUT M3 WH3N 1M S1TT1NG R1GHT H3R3  
TEREZI: 4NYW4Y  
TEREZI: UNL3SS TH3 D3F3NC3 H4S MOR3 TO S4Y 1 TH1NK 1M R34DY TO M4K3 MY V3RD1CT  
KARKAT: AW SHIT.  
KANAYA: Fuck  
KANAYA: Um  
KANAYA: I Would Like To Propose A Theory To The Court  
KANAYA: One That Would Turn This Whole Case On Its Metaphorical Head  
TEREZI: UGH  
TEREZI: DO3S 4NYON3 OBJ3CT TO TH1S  
ROSE: …No.  
TEREZI: TH3N GO 4H34D  
KANAYA: I Accuse Someone In This Very Room Of The Murder

TEREZI: WH4T!!!!  
VRISKA: >::::0  
ROSE: Oh my.  
DAVE: oh shit  
KARKAT: JUST SAY WHO IT IS ALREADY.

KANAYA: I Accuse

KANAYA: You  
KANAYA: Terezi Pyrope

VRISKA: Terezi!! What the fuck!  
TEREZI: VR1SK4 SHUT TH3 FUCK UP  
TEREZI: WH4T H4PP3N3D TO TH3 WHOL3 M1ND CONTROL TH3ORY??  
KANAYA: I Just Made That Up But In Retrospect It Makes More Sense Than This Current Accusation  
ROSE: So, you really don’t have any proof Terezi did it?  
KANAYA: Perhaps  
KANAYA: Detective Strider May I Ask You A Few More Things About The Investigation  
DAVE: sure  
DAVE: what did you wanna know  
KANAYA: Are You Really Sure The Glass Was Stained With The Suspects Blood  
DAVE: thats what this paper says so yeah  
ROSE: Detective, use your brain for once.  
DAVE: god fine  
DAVE: i dont know shit about forensic science  
DAVE: because im 15 and never finished middle school  
DAVE: but the glass seemed too red to have been stained by just blood  
TEREZI: H4H4  
TEREZI: NOW YOUR3 JUST M4K1NG SH1T UP  
ROSE: There’s still no explanation on the missing weapon, Maryam.  
KANAYA: Or So You Think  
ROSE: What?  
KANAYA: Terezi  
TEREZI: WH4T  
KANAYA: Care To Hand Over Your Cane  
TEREZI: BUT TH3N 1 WONT B3 4BL3 TO F33L WH3RE 1M GO1NG  
KANAYA: Youre Not Going Anywhere  
KANAYA: Just Hand It Over  
KANAYA: I Need To Test Something  
TEREZI: …  
TEREZI: NO  
KANAYA: Why Are You Being So Uncooperative I Wonder  
KANAYA: If Youre Truly Innocent You Would Hand Over Your Cane

Terezi is sweating like she's never sweat before. She grips her cane tight, and does not hand it over.

KARKAT: TEREZI?  
KARKAT: DID YOU FUCKING FRAME ME FOR MURDER?  
KARKAT: I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS.  
KARKAT: AND WHY WOULD YOU EVEN KILL VRISKA?  
KARKAT: I THOUGHT YOU WERE FRIENDS TOO??  
TEREZI: …  
ROSE: Well it seems we’ve found our murderer.  
ROSE: Good job, Kanaya.  
KANAYA: …  
KANAYA: Thanks  
DAVE: so uh  
DAVE: whos supposed to decide the verdict if the judge is the killer  
ROSE: Good question. Maybe we should do majority vote.  
DAVE: well i vote that shes guilty  
KARKAT: I ALSO VOTE GUILTY.  
KANAYA: I Do As Well  
ROSE: And me too.  
ROSE: Looks like that settles it.  
TEREZI: NO  
TEREZI: 1 W1LL 4LW4YS RUL3 TH1S COURTROOM  
TEREZI: TH3 JUDG3 1S N3V3R FOUND GU1LTY 1N MY C4S3S  
KARKAT: YOURE STILL DENYING YOUR GUILT?  
KARKAT: GIVE ME THAT FUCKING CANE SO I CAN PROVE IT MYSELF.

In a brief slapping match, Karkat finally manages to rip the cane from Terezi's grasp. Unsheathing it, the disguised blade is coated in cobalt blood.

VRISKA: WHERE DID THAT 8LOOD COME FROM I WAS NEVER ACTUALLY STA88ED??  
DAVE: yeah what the fuck  
TEREZI: UN1MPORT4NT  
TEREZI: WH4TS 1MPORT4NT 1S MY 1NV4S1ON OF PR1V4CY  
TEREZI: 4ND 4LSO TH3 F4CT TH4T YOUR3 4LL FUCK1NG D34D

Nooses drop down from the ceiling, and find their way at everyone's necks. And with one swift motion, everyone a witness to Terezi's crime is now dead, their corpses hanging before her.  
Of course, none of that was even real. 

TEREZI: 1 W1N  
KARKAT: NO, WE WIN, STUPID.  
VRISKA: Ugh, I told you she’d just kill everyone in the end.  
VRISKA: You’re such a sore loser.  
TEREZI: >:P  
ROSE: That was rather fun, even if it was pointless in the end.  
ROSE: Sorry, Terezi, but I probably won’t do this ever again.  
TEREZI: 4W WHY  
ROSE: Oh, I wonder.  
DAVE: looks like its back to playing with stuffed dragons for you  
TEREZI: BUT 1T W4S FUN PL4Y1NG W1TH P3OPL3 TH4T C4N 4CTU4LLY T4LK FOR ONC3  
KARKAT: MAYBE MAKE IT A FAIR TRIAL THEN, DIPSHIT.  
KARKAT: THEN MAYBE ITLL ACTUALLY BE FUCKING FUN.  
TEREZI: FUCK YOU  
TEREZI: NO  
VRISKA: I thought it was pretty fun watching everyone struggle to solve a pointless murder!  
VRISKA: And then being executed.  
KARKAT: OF COURSE YOU WOULD YOU PSYCHOTIC BITCH.  
VRISKA: You’re just cranky cause you’re dead.  
KARKAT: YOURE ALSO DEAD??  
KANAYA: I Guess I Enjoyed  
KANAYA: Winning  
KANAYA: And Then Dying  
KANAYA: I Also Will Not Do This Again  
TEREZI: BL3H YOUR3 4LL SO L4M3  
TEREZI: G3T OUT OF MY COURTROOM  
DAVE: this isnt even your room its just our makeshift living room  
DAVE: we just rearranged the tables and couches to make a shitty courtroom  
TEREZI: 1 S41D G3T OUT!!!!

And since everyone who knew about the murder died, the truth was lost forever.  
THE END


End file.
